Hello dear readers! I'm here, striving for consistency while also shedding the unnecessary burden of shame that seems to cling to me. When my friend first suggested that I join Substack, I was thrilled to finally take my writing seriously. However, as more people began to read my work, I became uneasy about the notion of being exposed. Shame crept in, knowing that so many individuals had access to my thoughts and stories. Sharing your writing with the world can be a daunting experience, especially when vulnerability is something I grapple with.
I want to make it clear that I'm not pretending to have a massive blog with thousands of daily readers. However, every time I hit that publish button, I can't help but feel a rush of anxiety. So, here I am, working to conquer that feeling of shame while continuing to pursue something I'm passionate about.
Today, while pondering what to post, I stumbled upon some writing prompts for September. The prompt for today was "no backup," and it struck a chord with me. Today feels like I'm an old phone that has lost all its data. I spent half the day searching for ways to rejuvenate myself, fixated on the desire to feel new again. Maybe a new job? Perhaps a change of scenery, a new country? Oh yes, that’s definitely it! I sat at my computer, scouring the internet for a place that would make me feel revitalized. Yes, I was considering packing my bags with no backup plan, ready to leave everything behind and figure it out once I arrived. I convinced myself it could work because I'd seen it on TV, but, that was in TV, and those characters were made up in a writing room by a bunch of men that possibly never felt anything like that.
Yesterday, I met up with a friend, and after observing people and engaging in typical 20-something conversations, we delved into the topic of emotions and the challenges of navigating life. During that conversation, I noticed that we weren't all that different after all. We seemed to react to life's ups and downs in similar ways. It dawned on me that despite feeling isolated for a while, I wasn't truly alone. Both of us were in the process of constant download. We discussed my struggles with eating, and she kindly offered to prepare home-cooked meals for me, which felt like a comforting backup.
While contemplating various ways to reboot and refresh my life, an unexpected wave of insignificance began to wash over me. It was as though a shadow of doubt crept in, whispering that perhaps I'm not as significant as I once believed. In a world with countless individuals, I realized that I'm just one of millions of "phones" in this vast ecosystem. This realization weighed on me heavily. I couldn't escape the thought that no matter how I chose to reboot or reinvent myself, there would always be a new model emerging, capturing the spotlight. Even after I've successfully rebooted, the world would keep evolving, and it might seem like I had missed my chance to make a substantial impact.
Many of us need a fresh start at some point in our lives. We may experience crashes, memory loss, or screen glitches, and we might not always hit the restart button immediately. But eventually, our screens will shine brightly again. I'm learning to allow myself to overheat at times because a cool breeze of support is always nearby.